What will?

That button. The create new blog post button... it is so daunting sometimes.

I am in an odd spot in life -- caught somewhere between knowing what I want and reaching for it.

My mom says to keep honing my talents, and it will all work out.

It will all work out.

It will all work.

It will.

It.



What will work out? 

I know I shouldn't dwell on the future. But dwelling on the present is doing no good, dwelling on the past moves me backwards, and never dwelling on a thing seems to keep me going in the same old circles.

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Speaking of the same old circles... I have run into a problem. It's kind of a big one, and I don't know when, or how I will fix it.

Do you remember that post I made before about thriving? It had so much energy. I had so much strength and will power. Lately it has been gone. Where? I'm not sure. There isn't a "will return at" sign... the lights are just off.

I have taken on this new project. I am shooting pictures for Junior Prom. And although I am incredibly excited, it seems as though that's the only thing I'm excited about. I am also nervous... but I know it will work out.

I'm also having spring mini sessions. I am a bit excited about that... but also a bit stressed... for a few reasons.

I got a bonus... woo. It's gone. And all the bills still aren't paid.

What is my problem? Let me tell you... I am sluggish. I put on a happy face but I feel like crap. I make myself promises, then give myself the finger. I tell people I'm going to do something (something specific, for myself), then spend the afternoon on the couch.

I tell myself I care about what I'm eating, then I eat crap food and tell myself to love and accept my body.

I tell myself I care about my fitness goals... then I spend hours watching Dr. Who.

I make myself an amazing schedule and I don't follow it one bit. My laundry's backed up. Dishes are backed up. Bills are backed up.

It's like the more promises I make myself, the more I lie to myself. The more I rebel and say to myself, "hey you, fuck off!"

Which is so not attractive.. so not happy... so annoying.

I can't find that energy... the one that I need in order to thrive, and I am not sure why or where it is hiding... and I am not sure how I'll ever find it the way life is now.

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Do you ever reach a point in life where it all seems dark and gloomy? Does it ever seem like no matter how hard and fast you run, you can't get off the treadmill? And even though once in a while you can still enjoy yourself, in the back of your mind you still feel like you've failed and this is as happy as you might ever be... and this is as far as you might ever go... and this is as clean as your house will ever be... and you are as thin as you'll ever be... and you just are sick. You are mentally sick.

And it makes your stomach physically sick to think about it.

Do you ever feel this way?

I feel this way. And I feel like I tell people this is how I feel and they just say, "don't worry about it," and they say, "it will get better."

And to them I say.... What will?