Sticktoitiveness

I have been meaning to write a blog for a few days. I've decided to go to bed early, take the laptop with me, and just write.

I've had a lot going on lately, in more ways than one. Emotionally, I have been all over the map.

No seriously, if you take a map of the world, and turn every country into an emotion, I've been traveling so much that homeland security stops me every time I flash my passport.

But really, I haven't left the peninsula.

On Tuesday I went to Port Williams beach. I was trying to feel better (re, previous blog). Over a week had gone by since this big black cloud found its way above my head, and I was looking for anything to make me feel better.
At the beach, I sat alone. I pressed my back against a big rock, and rested my feet on a smaller rock. My head started to spin. It was too calm at the beach. There was no one there, really. It was overcast and not that warm out. I couldn't even focus on relaxing, if that makes sense.

I started to play with my phone. I missed instagram, so I re-installed it.

I had been meaning to join twitter, so I did. 

Nothing was working.

So I went to mom's. We were supposed to meet up and work out, and I did, even though getting run-over by an 18 wheeler sounded like more fun.

I wish I could tell you I enjoyed myself, and it made me feel so much better... but it would be a lie. I grudged through that entire thing... and could not get my mind off all the noise.

The noise. That's what it was. It was clatter. Things bouncing around in my head.... falling off shelves, doors slamming... like someone tearing through a kitchen, all pissed off.

And we all know there's all this great food in the kitchen but none of it is what this anger is looking for.

Anyway... metaphors... am I losing you?

The point is, I can't put an exact date and time stamp on when the smiles became fake. It was like slowly they went from real and true to forced and fanciful. I don't know why.

But the other day, I was lost in my thoughts, and I had a glimmer of hope.

The thought I had was this:
I can do this. I just need a plan.

Granted, it is much more complex, because the "this" is so many things... but look at me.
Just look.

That day, mom and I ran intervals. And I told her, passionately, about some of the thoughts I had. I was almost crying because I was so happy. It was like all of a sudden there was some light.
It was like the angry in the kitchen found some chamomile tea and turned into hopeful as it grabbed the honey.

And since then, touch and go, I have felt a bit better. Like this huge knot of crazy can be rolled into a ball.

I don't feel like I'm never going to get there. I just feel like it's going to be a little while. And that I can deal with. That I can handle.
And the vitamin D that nature has provided the past few days has definitely helped a bit. :)

Stick to it.

Stick to it and things will work out.

I gotta have sticktoitiveness.

What will?

That button. The create new blog post button... it is so daunting sometimes.

I am in an odd spot in life -- caught somewhere between knowing what I want and reaching for it.

My mom says to keep honing my talents, and it will all work out.

It will all work out.

It will all work.

It will.

It.



What will work out? 

I know I shouldn't dwell on the future. But dwelling on the present is doing no good, dwelling on the past moves me backwards, and never dwelling on a thing seems to keep me going in the same old circles.

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Speaking of the same old circles... I have run into a problem. It's kind of a big one, and I don't know when, or how I will fix it.

Do you remember that post I made before about thriving? It had so much energy. I had so much strength and will power. Lately it has been gone. Where? I'm not sure. There isn't a "will return at" sign... the lights are just off.

I have taken on this new project. I am shooting pictures for Junior Prom. And although I am incredibly excited, it seems as though that's the only thing I'm excited about. I am also nervous... but I know it will work out.

I'm also having spring mini sessions. I am a bit excited about that... but also a bit stressed... for a few reasons.

I got a bonus... woo. It's gone. And all the bills still aren't paid.

What is my problem? Let me tell you... I am sluggish. I put on a happy face but I feel like crap. I make myself promises, then give myself the finger. I tell people I'm going to do something (something specific, for myself), then spend the afternoon on the couch.

I tell myself I care about what I'm eating, then I eat crap food and tell myself to love and accept my body.

I tell myself I care about my fitness goals... then I spend hours watching Dr. Who.

I make myself an amazing schedule and I don't follow it one bit. My laundry's backed up. Dishes are backed up. Bills are backed up.

It's like the more promises I make myself, the more I lie to myself. The more I rebel and say to myself, "hey you, fuck off!"

Which is so not attractive.. so not happy... so annoying.

I can't find that energy... the one that I need in order to thrive, and I am not sure why or where it is hiding... and I am not sure how I'll ever find it the way life is now.

_______________________

Do you ever reach a point in life where it all seems dark and gloomy? Does it ever seem like no matter how hard and fast you run, you can't get off the treadmill? And even though once in a while you can still enjoy yourself, in the back of your mind you still feel like you've failed and this is as happy as you might ever be... and this is as far as you might ever go... and this is as clean as your house will ever be... and you are as thin as you'll ever be... and you just are sick. You are mentally sick.

And it makes your stomach physically sick to think about it.

Do you ever feel this way?

I feel this way. And I feel like I tell people this is how I feel and they just say, "don't worry about it," and they say, "it will get better."

And to them I say.... What will?

Are You Gonna Blog About That?

Well, a lot has been going on for me! How about you?

My hubby got a new car. He traded his truck for it! So far it has been a wonderful trade, saving us loads on gas!

So if you see this neon green baby out and about, it's probably my husband! If it isn't, his car was stolen!! LOL!

So of course for his birthday we went on a drive with Les, myself, and Ryan in his new baby. We went to see Snoqualmie Falls, among several other places that direction :).

Apparently we just missed seeing Johnny Depp in Carnation! Woops! Also, a van was impailed by a tree in Duvall that day... could have easily been us. The woman survived! It was her seat belt that almost killed her, but someone stopped and cut her seat belt with their pocket knife.

Anyway, before we got out to the falls, I was starting to feel faint... pretty ill actually.. so Les decided I probably needed to eat. We went to this cute restaurant called The Raging River Cafe in Fall City. The food was great, the service was awesome and homey! There was a loud bar ("club") on the opposite side, and as many of the locals came in, the server greeted them by name. Very cool. Felt like the way Sequim used to feel, when I was little.

It made me feel much better!

The falls were our last stop, so we drove home.

Yesterday, we took another trip, to Cabelas! On our way there we stopped at a mall and got Les and Ryan their vests for Chase and Dana's wedding.

It was a pretty fun day. We had some deep conversations in the car, and times where we blasted tunes and I rapped at the top of my lungs.

And if that mocking bird don't sing and that ring don't shine I'm'a break that birdie's neck. I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to ya and make him eat every carat. Don't fuck with Dad.

Good times!!


In other news, I (Rare Reflections Photography) have been hired as the photographer for Junior Prom at Sequim High School!

I am BEYOND excited!! I know this is going to be spectacular!! =D


Their theme is "Fly Me To The Moon," a galaxy-based romantic atmosphere. I am going to set up a photo booth for them, and also be taking formals. It will be so great!! I am excited!

Also, for my photography, I am doing spring mini sessions! :) I am going to have a bunny!! Just gotta get in contact with my friend's mom and borrow her bunny. :)

Ok I better get going... got lots to do!!

:)