Sticktoitiveness

I have been meaning to write a blog for a few days. I've decided to go to bed early, take the laptop with me, and just write.

I've had a lot going on lately, in more ways than one. Emotionally, I have been all over the map.

No seriously, if you take a map of the world, and turn every country into an emotion, I've been traveling so much that homeland security stops me every time I flash my passport.

But really, I haven't left the peninsula.

On Tuesday I went to Port Williams beach. I was trying to feel better (re, previous blog). Over a week had gone by since this big black cloud found its way above my head, and I was looking for anything to make me feel better.
At the beach, I sat alone. I pressed my back against a big rock, and rested my feet on a smaller rock. My head started to spin. It was too calm at the beach. There was no one there, really. It was overcast and not that warm out. I couldn't even focus on relaxing, if that makes sense.

I started to play with my phone. I missed instagram, so I re-installed it.

I had been meaning to join twitter, so I did. 

Nothing was working.

So I went to mom's. We were supposed to meet up and work out, and I did, even though getting run-over by an 18 wheeler sounded like more fun.

I wish I could tell you I enjoyed myself, and it made me feel so much better... but it would be a lie. I grudged through that entire thing... and could not get my mind off all the noise.

The noise. That's what it was. It was clatter. Things bouncing around in my head.... falling off shelves, doors slamming... like someone tearing through a kitchen, all pissed off.

And we all know there's all this great food in the kitchen but none of it is what this anger is looking for.

Anyway... metaphors... am I losing you?

The point is, I can't put an exact date and time stamp on when the smiles became fake. It was like slowly they went from real and true to forced and fanciful. I don't know why.

But the other day, I was lost in my thoughts, and I had a glimmer of hope.

The thought I had was this:
I can do this. I just need a plan.

Granted, it is much more complex, because the "this" is so many things... but look at me.
Just look.

That day, mom and I ran intervals. And I told her, passionately, about some of the thoughts I had. I was almost crying because I was so happy. It was like all of a sudden there was some light.
It was like the angry in the kitchen found some chamomile tea and turned into hopeful as it grabbed the honey.

And since then, touch and go, I have felt a bit better. Like this huge knot of crazy can be rolled into a ball.

I don't feel like I'm never going to get there. I just feel like it's going to be a little while. And that I can deal with. That I can handle.
And the vitamin D that nature has provided the past few days has definitely helped a bit. :)

Stick to it.

Stick to it and things will work out.

I gotta have sticktoitiveness.