In my car, there is a bag full of gifts for the holidays. I haven't wrapped them yet. There are also a couple stashed around my house. Some of these gifts are to be given to the people who used to be the very best of my friends... including children.
I downloaded all my instagram pictures today and deleted my instagram account because of the change in their policy that is going to allow them to sell users' images... and the photos brought me to tears. What we had was something I thought would withstand everything.
Everything.
And now it is all gone.
People keep saying "don't worry, things will work out," but they don't know what is going on. They don't know the problem... because I respect these people, even though I am a wreck and I don't owe them any favors... I still love them. There is a reason it hurts so badly... my love is not something that is temporary. My love can't be stopped because of the actions of a third party. The feeling I have can't be removed... it can only be changed... moved... or maybe reorganized.
I can't change what happened. I can't change how much pain I feel. I don't know how to move on or where to put these emotions. I'm assuming this is part of growing up, and that these friends likely feel the same way. I'm understanding that they are likely hurting every bit as bad as I am and haven't much of an outlet for these feelings either. But maybe they aren't... I am not in their hearts or minds.
When we grow, when our minds grow, it's like we look back and shake our heads. "How could i have not seen that before?"
The only way I can comfort myself is knowing that I did not know what I do now. I didn't feel these feelings then. If I ever did they were never this strong because circumstances were never exactly the way they are right now.
When our minds grow... we lose things and realize maybe we never really had them. We gain things and realize maybe we had them all along.
We realize that just because a person can change doesn't mean they will. Just because a person promises something doesn't make it the truth. Just because a person wants something doesn't mean they'll even try to achieve it.
I am shaking my head as my tears get caught up in my lashes and reach my cheeks cold.
I want to write about so many different things right now but that will disrespect these people who I think still love me but our love is now forbidden... so I am going to end this blog with this:
I feel exactly the same way about a certain friend, and a family member. The fact of the matter is, we all change and grow...the true test is whether we can withstand that change and grow together, not apart. Of course we all wish to stay together... but that's not how life always plays its cards. remember though, everything happens for a reason, as cliche as that is, and even though you don't see it now through the tears, heartache, and brokenness you feel, somehow after a little while you will be stronger. Your friendship may never be the same. Hell, it may never be again...at all...but you have the memories, and you know how the friendship used to be...and if nothing else, you can hold on to those. It's not even remotely the same, but it's something.
ReplyDeleteEven though we're miles apart, i'm only a phone call away, girl. You are one of the most amazing people I know. I love you!