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I remember the possibilities we felt in our hearts. We looked at apartments that were way too expensive, way too small, way too cheap. We took keys from front offices up elevators to apartments with giant windows and fluffy white carpet and huge brand new kitchens. We ogled at the cement floor and small size of a "modern" studio apartment. We went around downtown and to all the parks and to the mall.
We signed a lease.

I got into WWU, Les found a job...

We drank.

We put on weight. We paid our bills. We played xbox and wii and Portal on PC.

We felt like this had to be the place. All our friends needed to move here. They need to come visit, and then they will see. We threw parties where nobody from Belligham actually came, and several friends made great efforts to come see our new place and congratulate us.

I went to classes. I did my homework. We put off the laundry, the dishes, the litter box. We put on weight and we put on music, and we put on a show pretending not to notice we weren't making friends.

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Fast forward.

I am almost done at WWU. Les has gone through about three jobs. I have made friends who seem to not want much to do with me. Ryan has moved up to live with us and get out of Sequim. We are stir crazy. We are lost.

I almost have my Bachelor's degree in English, creative writing. People scoff at my ambitions to write a novel and hum and haw at my goal to run a photography studio. Even suggesting I also have a retail store. How is that even relevant?

Les is considering joining the police force, or some other government thing where he will learn many things and have a good career. People play devil's advocate or suggest other things to him every time he knows what he wants. This is discouraging.

All of it is discouraging.

We are moving back to Sequim to live on my parents property (at least a few months, we need to find jobs) and figure out what we are doing in life. My mom tells me they are selling the house... hopefully that doesn't interrupt out plan. We are counting on that window of time before our wedding to save up some money and find our own place.

I am posting this because I need some encouragement. I realize it's kind of depressing, but Les and I actually decided the other day that this is what everyone has been talking about. This is that "growing up" thing that people refer to... that point where you are in your 20s and everything changes and you realize... you are going to have to work for the rest of your life. People are going to doubt you for the rest of your life. Though you may want to, you're not exactly likely to change the world in any way. And though some days you may feel great about yourself, and ready for what life throws at you, there are others where you just step back and say "wow... what the fuck is the point of all this???"

And you don't cry. You don't scream. You don't get angry, even. You just.... exist. You exist with the knowledge that out of 2,000 goals you might reach 50. You exist with the knowledge that the world isn't as big as you thought it was... at least, not for you, specifically. You nod, trying to figure out your bills, and you exchange knowing glances with the people you love. Knowing glances that they are feeling the same way.


I am posting this on my happy blog because it is not exactly sad.

We are growing up. We are sort of moving forward. We are failing, succeeding, and dancing with life.

Just tell me... just remind me that thinking about all this won't solve a thing. Just push me to keep making goals even if I never reach them. Just tell me you have felt this way before.. and that it is going to be just fine.