I moved?
Digitally, not physically. I am over at stacygraves.com now.
Anyways that's not what I am here to talk about. In fact, I am here to blog. I am not sure who will see this post and that's kind of comforting for me.
I feel like shit.
No. I am not sick. I just feel that way. I am sick of myself. I am sick of never doing my best for any length of time. I try to accomplish something, and I end up laughing at myself. I am not sure why this happens... but it so does. I gave myself one real task over my weekend. I was going to so my laundry. Not even every last spec of it... just enough to get me thru the week.
I didn't do it.
I did a little work for 41. I showed up to work (accidentally) on my day off. I cried most of the day Tuesday. I'm pathetic. I feel worthless. Like I am just hanging around for no particular reason. What's worse is I have this total inability to explain to my husband how I feel. He just gives me advice then shrugs me off. He can't deal with my overemotional self.
Honestly I get it... but it makes me feel worse.
And my boss in accounting doesn't want me anymore. I'm only wanted in the deli where nobody wants to be.
That's not all but I gotta go.
------------------------------------------------------
OK, I am back for a bit. That was this a.m. at like 4:45... It's now about my bedtime. It's hard to talk about how much shit I feel like. I go back and forth on being able to ignore it completely, and actually enjoy myself briefly, but someone always says something that throws me into a whirlwind.
For example, "Are you still taking pictures?" asks the person I haven't talked to in a while...
Stab.
Stabby stab stab right in the chest. My heart sinks, my face either sticks to a stunned smile or goes a bit solemn.
Yes. Just say yes. "Well, yeah, I mean, sort of. When I have time. When people hire me, I mean. I mean I will take pictures. Do you need pictures?"
Facepalm. You idiot. You sound like a blubbering idiot. Of course you still take pictures. Just because you are insecure about it doesn't mean you don't do it. Just because you are terrified to even snap a photo since you've received so much grief lately from clients doesn't mean you aren't doing it anymore... does it? Do you still like taking pictures? It's too stressful and you suck at it, right? Maybe you should have said no. No, you like to take pictures don't let people get to you... even though there are so many people. Even though you try so hard but seem to be on a photography hamster wheel...
At this point, I'm having some sort of internal argument, have no idea what my face or posture is doing, could be drooling for all I know, and the person who asked the question is at best mildly uncomfortable, but likely trying to get away from me, now.
By the time I've snapped back to reality, they are telling me some story about all the stuff they have to do today, maybe, or was it tomorrow, or was it stuff they already did? Look at them. Say something. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Good. Well-rounded response. Couldn't have said it better if you were paying attention. Read their face, good they bought it,
"So, yeah, see you then?"
Uhoh, "When?"
"SATURDAY. Are you in there?"
I don't know.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Or something like...
"You're still working at walmart, right?" (uplifting tone)
My head races. Yes I am still working at fucking walmart. No I don't want to be there. Yes I am in the accounting office, but did you hear they are kicking me out because I am not good enough? Just like everything else in life I am not good enough at... and oh shit I need to answer them, "Yep."
"OH good! At least you are employed!!! You're in accounting right? Must be nice to have an office job. You get to sit at a desk right?"
Here we go. "Well not really, I mean, part of the day. Yeah. But mostly I am standing because I'm counting money from all the registers and stuff..." Remember, don't get too specific. You are under confidentiality contract.
"Just counting, though, and putting it in the computer? Must be nice."
Stop belittiling my job, "Nonono. I also need to count coupons and check exp dates and count all the coins and all this, and we gotta get it all done by a certain time," which you kept failing at which is why they are kicking you out because you are not good enough for the office. You are not fast enough for the accounting office at walmart.
"Doesn't sound too bad. Man I deal with so many shitty customers..." I miss customers. I miss customers... even the shitty ones because it makes my day when I can turn their day around... but I'll get to work with them again soon because they want me to go back to the deli. Oh the deli, where I wear a hair net and deep fry chicken. Where I slice meat and make sandwiches. Yes, somehow that sounds better than the cash office. Wow I am such a loser.
Oh. This silence thing is getting awkward. "Yeah. Shopping can be frustrating."
...
Or like I said, about the laundry.
Sometimes, especially if someone catches me in a down mood, I go off with the thoughts in my head. Even if I don't know the person well, or if they were hoping for normal, casual conversation.
Well they aren't gonna get it. I'm just going to have a psycho break-down all over them.
In fact, I did that to a coworker just the other day. Then I had a panic attack. The works. My eyes welled up, my body started shaking and twitching, my fingers turned blue, my lips quivered and went numb. I was freezing.. like... to the bone, and dizzy from the middle of my head to the pit of my stomach.
It was awful.
And it was all because my boss came in and mentioned having to go back to the deli. Which I have since accepted sort of but I am not happy about it.
Am I? I can't tell.
And I am so tired all the time but even though I am out of bed BY 3:30 EVERY MORNING and often 3:00am, I am not convincing myself to go to sleep until like 9pm, and my "naps" aren't working anymore with all the anxiety I've been having.
I eat instead.
---------
Why am I spilling all my secrets on a blog nobody reads anymore?
Because I am scared. I need help. The asthma, the panic, the weight gain, the tears... I SERIOUSLY spent most of tuesday crying. About 99 different things. I got home from work today and still didn't do my laundry.
You know what I did do? Nothing. I didn't do shit today. I didn't even go water mom's plants like I was supposed to. But I did eat some beefaroni. I had a coke. I had a muffin. I had a frozen borrito. I had an uncrustable...
I cried a little.
And I wrote this blog.
So what the fuck do I do? How do I feel better?
HOW do I GET BETTER at life so I stop feeling like I SUCK SO MUCH?
Hey. I did know you moved, but only kind of. I didn't know you were exclusively over there...I will subscribe so I get your updates though! :)
ReplyDeleteLike I told you, I can relate to this. I feel like a failure a lot more than I should. This whole being married thing is a lot different than I thought. It's different than just living with a guy, because there are more expectations...or at least that's how I look at it. If the dishes don't get done, if the laundry backs up, I start hating myself because I can't keep up. But I have to remember that I work too, and I'm not in this alone. But it's hard to ask for help...and it's even harder to expect it or complain about it. We are women...by nature, we are expected to be able to juggle a lot. My husband doesn't work, which would make some people think that he could contribute to the housework. He doesn't. Well, that's a lie...he does, sometimes. rarely. But honestly, I'm glad because even though I get overwhelmed sometimes, I have my own system and I don't want to have to change it. Between working a full time job, having duty once a week where I don't come home, and having to keep up with dishes, laundry, and general cleanliness, I could very easily go crazy. It is AMAZING how much of those things two people accumulate.
Every time I see little ants in my house, my heart sinks because I automatically think I'm not cleaning my house good enough. that's not the case though...this house is old (built in 1941) and ants are very common in southern California.
And don't even get me started on money. Or lack thereof.
Anyway, I suggest reserving time for you. Go for a drive, or walk, to somewhere that calms you, where you don't have to think about laundry, or dishes, or work, or money...or anything. You write, take photos, do whatever you need to do to stop freaking out.
As for eating your feelings...I can't really relate to that, because I've always had the opposite problem. Just remember that food is one of the only things you can control. If you must eat, eat things that are good for you. And balance it out with exersize.
There's yoga, too. Meditation. I have an app on my phone that is simply for controlling your breathing. It is AMAZING for things like this.
Anyway, I hope this helps you a little. I love you!
PS. As an English major, I am surprised you added an "s" to anyway! Didn't that university teach you ANYTHING? :P jk jk