Thrive Again

So here I am. I just got off work a little while ago, and Les, Ryan, and I are discussing some things about a house we used to rent. I started to look through old pictures, and I came across an emotional rollercoaster.
Here’s the deal. I will not ever go back to where I was when I started with 41 sports. I weighed over 230lbs. I wore a size 18 pants. I didn’t like life very much. When I “cooked” dinner, it meant pulling something, anything, out of the freezer and preheating the oven to 400 degrees, or putting a pot of water on the stove to boil it. I.e. frozen pizza, pasta, burritos, appetizers... you get the idea. The things I kept in my refrigerator were eggs, milk, sausage links, butter, turkey lunch meat, beef lunch meat, mayonnaise.... In my cupboards I had fruity pebbles, bread, canned veggies, manwich, pasta, pasta sauce, pop tarts...

At that point in my life, the highlight of my day... the biggest thing that got me out of the house... was putting on enough clothes to go down and check the mail. Even if that just meant pulling on PJ pants and a sweatshirt in the 80 degree sun. I occasionally walked to the apartment mailboxes barefoot. I rarely brushed my hair. I went to bed at 3am and woke up after noon or one. Miserable is the best word I can think of to describe it. Pathetic would be second-best.

So looking through old photos today, first I find these old photos of me. 
The me I was when I was with 41 Sports.

I took lots of photos in the mirror, as I kept getting new clothes when I was losing weight.

Granted, eating nutritionally, and incorporating fitness in my life left even less time for me to motivate myself to clean house, so many of the photos I never shared because of the disaster-area behind me. I am working on the organization problem. Regardless of the mess, I took the photos for myself, and to text to close friends. I was proud of my body, my life, and my accomplishments.

I was writing daily, going to school, doing my homework, playing with the dog. Sometimes I even forgot to look through the mail.

I went through some tough shit that year, for lack of better wording. Bootcamp pulled me through it. Although sometimes they dragged me kicking and screaming, I got along. Even if that meant running in the snow. Even if that meant doing pull-ups on the swing set. I remember once, I was awake at 5am still from the previous day. I was so stressed I could not sleep. I asked Anthony what I should do about all my stress and energy.
He said, “Run.”

So I did. I ran 3 miles at 5am. I even met up with the 5am bootcamp group before running home. In the dark. I ran passed the grocery store and I could smell the bakery. I remember running through a puddle and smiling wildly. When I got home, I got right in bed, and though my fiance (now husband) was very confused, I fell asleep happy, and proud of myself.

So back to a few minutes ago, I’m looking at all these pictures and thinking, “man I’ve really got to get back on top of this,” and thinking, “could I really be back where I started? I thought I would never let myself get this bad...”
And then, I found the oldest pictures. The pictures from BEFORE I started.

And I am not at that point. I will not let that happen. I WILL strive to be better. I will continue to drop pounds, and sizes. Yes, I will hit ruts I’m sure. But I am hoping they will never last this long again.

(Me and my hubby, recently)

I miss boot camp. I miss the support of the group, but I know in my heart that they are there for me. They are all rooting for me, and I know I have been letting them down. I know for a fact that Anthony has been worried about me.

We are about to move again. I will let this move be a great thing for me. I am going to thrive again.