Did you know...

I moved?
Digitally, not physically. I am over at stacygraves.com now.

Anyways that's not what I am here to talk about. In fact, I am here to blog. I am not sure who will see this post and that's kind of comforting for me.

I feel like shit.

No. I am not sick. I just feel that way. I am sick of myself. I am sick of never doing my best for any length of time. I try to accomplish something, and I end up laughing at myself. I am not sure why this happens... but it so does. I gave myself one real task over my weekend. I was going to so my laundry.  Not even every last spec of it... just enough to get me thru the week.

I didn't do it.

I did a little work for 41. I showed up to work (accidentally) on my day off. I cried most of the day Tuesday. I'm pathetic. I feel worthless. Like I am just hanging around for no particular reason. What's worse is I have this total inability to explain to my husband how I feel. He just gives me advice then shrugs me off. He can't deal with my overemotional self.

Honestly I get it... but it makes me feel worse.

And my boss in accounting doesn't want me anymore. I'm only wanted in the deli where nobody wants to be.

That's not all but I gotta go.

------------------------------------------------------

OK, I am back for a bit. That was this a.m. at like 4:45...  It's now about my bedtime. It's hard to talk about how much shit I feel like. I go back and forth on being able to ignore it completely, and actually enjoy myself briefly, but someone always says something that throws me into a whirlwind.

For example, "Are you still taking pictures?" asks the person I haven't talked to in a while...
Stab.
Stabby stab stab right in the chest. My heart sinks, my face either sticks to a stunned smile or goes a bit solemn.
Yes. Just say yes.  "Well, yeah, I mean, sort of. When I have time. When people hire me, I mean. I mean I will take pictures. Do you need pictures?"
Facepalm. You idiot. You sound like a blubbering idiot. Of course you still take pictures. Just because you are insecure about it doesn't mean you don't do it. Just because you are terrified to even snap a photo since you've received so much grief lately from clients doesn't mean you aren't doing it anymore... does it? Do you still like taking pictures? It's too stressful and you suck at it, right? Maybe you should have said no. No, you like to take pictures don't let people get to you... even though there are so many people. Even though you try so hard but seem to be on a photography hamster wheel...

At this point, I'm having some sort of internal argument, have no idea what my face or posture is doing, could be drooling for all I know, and the person who asked the question is at best mildly uncomfortable, but likely trying to get away from me, now.

By the time I've snapped back to reality, they are telling me some story about all the stuff  they have to do today, maybe, or was it tomorrow, or was it stuff they already did? Look at them. Say something. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Good. Well-rounded response. Couldn't have said it better if you were paying attention. Read their face, good they bought it,

"So, yeah, see you then?"

Uhoh, "When?"

"SATURDAY. Are you in there?"

I don't know.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Or something like...

"You're still working at walmart, right?" (uplifting tone)

My head races. Yes I am still working at fucking walmart. No I don't want to be there. Yes I am in the accounting office, but did you hear they are kicking me out because I am not good enough? Just like everything else in life I am not good enough at... and oh shit I need to answer them, "Yep."

"OH good! At least you are employed!!! You're in accounting right? Must be nice to have an office job. You get to sit at a desk right?"

Here we go. "Well not really, I mean, part of the day. Yeah. But mostly I am standing because I'm counting money from all the registers and stuff..." Remember, don't get too specific. You are under confidentiality contract.

"Just counting, though, and putting it in the computer? Must be nice."

Stop belittiling my job, "Nonono. I also need to count coupons and check exp dates and count all the coins and all this, and we gotta get it all done by a certain time," which you kept failing at which is why they are kicking you out because you are not good enough for the office. You are not fast enough for the accounting office at walmart. 

"Doesn't sound too bad. Man I deal with so many shitty customers..." I miss customers. I miss customers... even the shitty ones because it makes my day when I can turn their day around... but I'll get to work with them again soon because they want me to go back to the deli. Oh the deli, where I wear a hair net and deep fry chicken. Where I slice meat and make sandwiches. Yes, somehow that sounds better than the cash office. Wow I am such a loser. 

Oh. This silence thing is getting awkward. "Yeah. Shopping can be frustrating."

...

Or like I said, about the laundry.

Sometimes, especially if someone catches me in a down mood, I go off with the thoughts in my head. Even if I don't know the person well, or if they were hoping for normal, casual conversation.

Well they aren't gonna get it. I'm just going to have a psycho break-down all over them.

In fact, I did that to a coworker just the other day. Then I had a panic attack. The works. My eyes welled up, my body started shaking and twitching, my fingers turned blue, my lips quivered and went numb. I was freezing.. like... to the bone, and dizzy from the middle of my head to the pit of my stomach.

It was awful.

And it was all because my boss came in and mentioned having to go back to the deli. Which I have since accepted sort of but I am not happy about it.

Am I? I can't tell.

And I am so tired all the time but even though I am out of bed BY 3:30 EVERY MORNING and often 3:00am, I am not convincing myself to go to sleep until like 9pm, and my "naps" aren't working anymore with all the anxiety I've been having.

I eat instead.

---------

Why am I spilling all my secrets on a blog nobody reads anymore?

Because I am scared. I need help. The asthma, the panic, the weight gain, the tears... I SERIOUSLY spent most of tuesday crying. About 99 different things. I got home from work today and still didn't do my laundry.

You know what I did do? Nothing. I didn't do shit today. I didn't even go water mom's plants like I was supposed to. But I did eat some beefaroni. I had a coke. I had a muffin. I had a frozen borrito. I had an uncrustable...

I cried a little.

And I wrote this blog.

So what the fuck do I do? How do I feel better?

HOW do I GET BETTER at life so I stop feeling like I SUCK SO MUCH?

Hate and Misunderstanding

Somewhere along the lines... I forgot these two things were different.

Me, one year ago.

I think it was sometime between the day this picture was taken, and the day this one was taken:

...which puts it in about a 6 month time-span.

Look, I'm not here to tell you "OH! I like this particular thing now because I realize I just never understood it." BECAUSE I DON'T. In fact, I am still filled up with so much hate, that the idea of coming within 10 feet of this (whatever it is) makes me want to throw up. 

Seriously.

But I guess what I will say, is that when this picture was taken, I had no idea that I was feeling these awful feelings because I simply didn't understand.

Misunderstandings fuel hate in everyone. Honest. I think people forget that. Look at racism. Look at people who hate gays. Look at any prejudice... ever. Now think about what you hate. Can you honestly say you understand it? Can you look me in the eye and tell me you understand exactly why that thing is the way it is? Scientifically, spiritually, physically, mentally... whatever? 

Whatever???

I can't. There are only a few things (and when I say "things" I mean anything from a person to a food) in this world that I hate... and I really can't explain these things. I can't explain why they exist. I can't explain why they are the way they are. I can't explain how they got this way. I can't describe why exactly this thing bothers me so much... actually all I know is how it affects me... and it's that awful hate feeling.

That awful hate feeling. I HATE THAT, TOO!

So answer me this: If you hate a food, for example, could you bring yourself to find out why that is?

Could you read the ingredients on that food and then taste each one till you find exactly what you hate about it? Then maybe try to figure out why you hate that ingredient? Is it a texture problem? Are you allergic? Did your mother use to put it in your pasta so you'd eat it??

OR better yet... if you hate a PERSON...

Could you strike up a conversation with that person and say, "hey, I want to give yourself a chance to redeem things with me, here, cuz quite honestly I am as confused as it gets about the whole thing. Would you tell me why exactly X happens? Because I JUST DON'T GET IT.... aaaaand consequently it is why I despise you so much."

Well? Could you? Comment below. (You probably already have a google account, so no excuses.)

Some Kinds Of Lies

Do you ever realize something about yourself?

Sometimes it is a good thing... but what if it is bad?

I had a manager tell me, "never miss an opportunity to make yourself a better person," and I really have taken it to heart.

I am listening to people a lot more than I used to, and in a different way.

But, until recently... I don't know if I have heard people.

Les told me that I need to be more careful how I reply to people, because they may say one thing, but be thinking something else, and feeling something different.

Now, it's not that I have never thought or heard of telling lies... or putting on a face... or whatever. I just never really noticed that everyone does it... and could be doing it at any time. The thought never really crossed my mind that when someone said that they were happy for me, they might be thinking that they are jealous of me, and feeling insecure and/or sub par.

So now when you talk, I am going to hear what you are saying, and try to hear how you're thinking, and be a little more considerate of what you're feeling when I reply.

But it goes beyond that.

I have spent so much of my life stressed because of the people around me making decisions that I don't agree with. I have spent so much of my life consulting other people for their opinions on my decision, taking everyone's advice into consideration, worrying about who will think what when I do something... weighing pros and cons of everything... that when someone else makes their decisions by the seat of their pants I get heated.

Maybe even jealous.

It's not that I care what others think, exactly. It's that I know that others have been through experiences in life that I haven't, and so they would approach my problem from a new and different angle. And when you look at things from all sides, obviously you get a better picture... right?

But I really should respect that some people aren't interested in seeing that third dimension. Some people want to see how their view plays out. They want to make mistakes so they will try things differently next time.

And what I really should respect is that there are some people that I just will never understand.

There will be times when people lie to me and I will never even know it. I shudder at the thought... but it is true. People will say they are fine and they are not fine... they just don't want my help and telling me that would be mean. People will stick up for their boyfriend even though inside they're completely hurt.... but they want me to respect their relationship, and their choices.

They want me to shut up and butt out!! That needs to not hurt my feelings!!

Some kinds of lies are OK.

Tales From The Deli

I currently work in a deli. It pays (most of) my bills. And though some days it drives me crazy, I am learning tons about work-life, retailing, business, and more. 

But enough of the boring stuff. Let me tell you a story. Disclaimer- I am not making fun of customers! I am simply retelling a tale. If you find it hilarious, so be it! 

At times, customers can be frustrating. I understand, though. Anyone walking around a large department store for more than 5 minutes can turn into a little bit of a zombie. I dread shopping at times. Well, "needs" shopping. I love to "want" shop. But that's a whole different blog post.

So anyway, a typical scenario at the deli counter is like this:

Worker (W): Hi! How are you today?
Customer (C): Fine, thanks. I am looking for some turkey.
W: Oven roasted?
C: Yes.
W: Which brand? I have X, Y, and Z.
C: Oh! Um, I'll try X.
W: Alright (gets out X), how much would you like? (unwraps X)
C: Oh, about a pound. Give or take.
W: OK! (puts meat chub on slicer, sets a common thickness, shows slice to customer) How does this slice look, do you need it thinner or thicker than that at all?
C: That looks perfect, thanks.
W: Great! Would you like a sample? (holds slice out) (customer shakes head) Ok! (slices up a pound, puts it on scale. Scale reads 1.0543lbs)

C: Close enough!
W: I hope so! (smiles) Anything else today?
C: Nope this will do it!
W: Okay! Have a great day!!

Now, there are many variations of this scenario. The customer could have not been sure which brand they wanted, and requests to taste a few... customer may change their mind and ask for a just a half pound of turkey and a half pound of ham... customer may have wanted me to explain the specials... etc.

But occasionally in Sequim, things get a little bit different. Many of my customers are elderly. This is just a fact. Sequim is a retirement city. So occasionally, I will get a customer who is hard of hearing.

Now, when I told my dad this story, he interrupted me. He said, "You have to understand, those who have a hard time hearing are just as frustrated as you are!! They may even be more frustrated."

To which I replied, "But no, no. You don't understand. I play it off well. Usually, they think they just had a perfect interaction, even if the conversation made no sense."

And so the tale begins:

W: Hi! How are you doing today?
C: I'll have three quarter pound of the ham.
W: Which ham?
C: Yes. Thank you.
W: .... (picks out a cheap ham and holds it up)
C: ... (nods, smiling)
W: OK and how thick do you like your slices?
C: three quarter pound. A little over is OK.
W: ...(puts chub on slicer, cuts common thickness) Does this thickness look OK?
C: (Reaches out as if to feel how thick slice is) THANKS!!! (snatches it, and eats it)
W: ....(slices 3/4lb and weighs it)
C: Perfect!
W:  Do you need anything else today?
C: Yes. Thank you. (Walks away).

Now, my dad happened to find this absolutely hilarious. I at the time found it frustrating, but after looking at it from the side, it is pretty funny! After all, the customer got what he/she wanted, and as far as they know I had no problems giving it to them. But it takes a lot of patience and guesswork in the moment! 

Anyway, Dad told me this would be a great skit. I told him I'd write it down. Where else?? Of course I'll share it with my blog readers! 

Hope everyone is well. <3

Sticktoitiveness

I have been meaning to write a blog for a few days. I've decided to go to bed early, take the laptop with me, and just write.

I've had a lot going on lately, in more ways than one. Emotionally, I have been all over the map.

No seriously, if you take a map of the world, and turn every country into an emotion, I've been traveling so much that homeland security stops me every time I flash my passport.

But really, I haven't left the peninsula.

On Tuesday I went to Port Williams beach. I was trying to feel better (re, previous blog). Over a week had gone by since this big black cloud found its way above my head, and I was looking for anything to make me feel better.
At the beach, I sat alone. I pressed my back against a big rock, and rested my feet on a smaller rock. My head started to spin. It was too calm at the beach. There was no one there, really. It was overcast and not that warm out. I couldn't even focus on relaxing, if that makes sense.

I started to play with my phone. I missed instagram, so I re-installed it.

I had been meaning to join twitter, so I did. 

Nothing was working.

So I went to mom's. We were supposed to meet up and work out, and I did, even though getting run-over by an 18 wheeler sounded like more fun.

I wish I could tell you I enjoyed myself, and it made me feel so much better... but it would be a lie. I grudged through that entire thing... and could not get my mind off all the noise.

The noise. That's what it was. It was clatter. Things bouncing around in my head.... falling off shelves, doors slamming... like someone tearing through a kitchen, all pissed off.

And we all know there's all this great food in the kitchen but none of it is what this anger is looking for.

Anyway... metaphors... am I losing you?

The point is, I can't put an exact date and time stamp on when the smiles became fake. It was like slowly they went from real and true to forced and fanciful. I don't know why.

But the other day, I was lost in my thoughts, and I had a glimmer of hope.

The thought I had was this:
I can do this. I just need a plan.

Granted, it is much more complex, because the "this" is so many things... but look at me.
Just look.

That day, mom and I ran intervals. And I told her, passionately, about some of the thoughts I had. I was almost crying because I was so happy. It was like all of a sudden there was some light.
It was like the angry in the kitchen found some chamomile tea and turned into hopeful as it grabbed the honey.

And since then, touch and go, I have felt a bit better. Like this huge knot of crazy can be rolled into a ball.

I don't feel like I'm never going to get there. I just feel like it's going to be a little while. And that I can deal with. That I can handle.
And the vitamin D that nature has provided the past few days has definitely helped a bit. :)

Stick to it.

Stick to it and things will work out.

I gotta have sticktoitiveness.

What will?

That button. The create new blog post button... it is so daunting sometimes.

I am in an odd spot in life -- caught somewhere between knowing what I want and reaching for it.

My mom says to keep honing my talents, and it will all work out.

It will all work out.

It will all work.

It will.

It.



What will work out? 

I know I shouldn't dwell on the future. But dwelling on the present is doing no good, dwelling on the past moves me backwards, and never dwelling on a thing seems to keep me going in the same old circles.

________________________________________

Speaking of the same old circles... I have run into a problem. It's kind of a big one, and I don't know when, or how I will fix it.

Do you remember that post I made before about thriving? It had so much energy. I had so much strength and will power. Lately it has been gone. Where? I'm not sure. There isn't a "will return at" sign... the lights are just off.

I have taken on this new project. I am shooting pictures for Junior Prom. And although I am incredibly excited, it seems as though that's the only thing I'm excited about. I am also nervous... but I know it will work out.

I'm also having spring mini sessions. I am a bit excited about that... but also a bit stressed... for a few reasons.

I got a bonus... woo. It's gone. And all the bills still aren't paid.

What is my problem? Let me tell you... I am sluggish. I put on a happy face but I feel like crap. I make myself promises, then give myself the finger. I tell people I'm going to do something (something specific, for myself), then spend the afternoon on the couch.

I tell myself I care about what I'm eating, then I eat crap food and tell myself to love and accept my body.

I tell myself I care about my fitness goals... then I spend hours watching Dr. Who.

I make myself an amazing schedule and I don't follow it one bit. My laundry's backed up. Dishes are backed up. Bills are backed up.

It's like the more promises I make myself, the more I lie to myself. The more I rebel and say to myself, "hey you, fuck off!"

Which is so not attractive.. so not happy... so annoying.

I can't find that energy... the one that I need in order to thrive, and I am not sure why or where it is hiding... and I am not sure how I'll ever find it the way life is now.

_______________________

Do you ever reach a point in life where it all seems dark and gloomy? Does it ever seem like no matter how hard and fast you run, you can't get off the treadmill? And even though once in a while you can still enjoy yourself, in the back of your mind you still feel like you've failed and this is as happy as you might ever be... and this is as far as you might ever go... and this is as clean as your house will ever be... and you are as thin as you'll ever be... and you just are sick. You are mentally sick.

And it makes your stomach physically sick to think about it.

Do you ever feel this way?

I feel this way. And I feel like I tell people this is how I feel and they just say, "don't worry about it," and they say, "it will get better."

And to them I say.... What will?

Are You Gonna Blog About That?

Well, a lot has been going on for me! How about you?

My hubby got a new car. He traded his truck for it! So far it has been a wonderful trade, saving us loads on gas!

So if you see this neon green baby out and about, it's probably my husband! If it isn't, his car was stolen!! LOL!

So of course for his birthday we went on a drive with Les, myself, and Ryan in his new baby. We went to see Snoqualmie Falls, among several other places that direction :).

Apparently we just missed seeing Johnny Depp in Carnation! Woops! Also, a van was impailed by a tree in Duvall that day... could have easily been us. The woman survived! It was her seat belt that almost killed her, but someone stopped and cut her seat belt with their pocket knife.

Anyway, before we got out to the falls, I was starting to feel faint... pretty ill actually.. so Les decided I probably needed to eat. We went to this cute restaurant called The Raging River Cafe in Fall City. The food was great, the service was awesome and homey! There was a loud bar ("club") on the opposite side, and as many of the locals came in, the server greeted them by name. Very cool. Felt like the way Sequim used to feel, when I was little.

It made me feel much better!

The falls were our last stop, so we drove home.

Yesterday, we took another trip, to Cabelas! On our way there we stopped at a mall and got Les and Ryan their vests for Chase and Dana's wedding.

It was a pretty fun day. We had some deep conversations in the car, and times where we blasted tunes and I rapped at the top of my lungs.

And if that mocking bird don't sing and that ring don't shine I'm'a break that birdie's neck. I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to ya and make him eat every carat. Don't fuck with Dad.

Good times!!


In other news, I (Rare Reflections Photography) have been hired as the photographer for Junior Prom at Sequim High School!

I am BEYOND excited!! I know this is going to be spectacular!! =D


Their theme is "Fly Me To The Moon," a galaxy-based romantic atmosphere. I am going to set up a photo booth for them, and also be taking formals. It will be so great!! I am excited!

Also, for my photography, I am doing spring mini sessions! :) I am going to have a bunny!! Just gotta get in contact with my friend's mom and borrow her bunny. :)

Ok I better get going... got lots to do!!

:)

Pulling Weight

Have you ever been told to pull your own weight?

It's an interesting concept. It is as if it isn't something you already do every day. In fact, to get out of bed you usually pull your own weight. But that is not what people are talking about.

You know what they mean. They mean do your job, as best as humanly possible, clean up after yourself, go an extra mile if you can... etc.

Have you ever been told to work as part of the team?

This is also an interesting concept. They aren't talking about a sports team, which is what someone would typically think of when someone says "that team really works together" or something.

But again, you know what they mean, right?

Being a part of a team, pulling your weight in a team, also means picking up the slack others leave behind. As their team mate, you know that they didn't leave that slack because they are lazy. They left it because for whatever reason, they had to leave it.

Take this team in this image here. There are a million images like it, a team of people working together at a common goal. Now, picture this: this team is walking along with the goal of moving the "teamwork" sign without setting it down, and an obstacle gets in the way, such as a long fence with a gate. One team mate goes to unlock the gate, and open it, while the other two hold the whole weight of the sign temporarily.

You are pulling that teammate's weight... but you couldn't have moved forward without them!


----

I am so tired. I am tired of the nitty-gritty. Things that matter in my work environment, in order:

Safety (of customer & worker) (from cleanliness to avoiding hazards)
Customer's desires (from timeliness, to the right product... basic satisfaction)
Sales & Product/Production (get things out on the sales-floor to sell, and in-person sales like explaining products to customers, and offering up-sales and deals.)

----

If you practice these things, and put your best out there, pull your weight, and work as a team pulling others' weight when necessary, then you should do good business, right?

So why, then does it come down to all these different things that don't matter?

[End Rant.]

Dance Into My Dreams

I stumbled across this image that is being passed around on facebook:

When my mind wanders... wow what a loaded thought. My mind wanders all OVER the place!! But you know what? It does always wind up at a common point. Portrait photography.

I just LOVE taking portraits!

I like writing, and I am pretty sure I have some great writings in me. I'm really pretty great at it, and I have a degree. But photography? Man lately I am in love.

Man, it is hard work, too. Hard, honest, work. But when you love something, the difficulty doesn't matter. It's easy, and hard, at the same time. It's hard to explain. I guess it's like if you love a sport. It's hard to play. You definitely break a sweat, but you are concentrating, you are having a great time, and it's over before you know it!

Except with photography, it's not over there! There is still that awesome 1 on 1 time you get with Photoshop, and some good music. There are a lot of photographers out there who hate the editing part. Me? I completely zone out. It is amazing. I used to think the only thing I could concentrate 100% on was writing, but I was wrong. I get distracted far more than I used to while writing, and far less while editing images. Pretty great, right?

That's all! Just a random, exciting epiphany! lol

Railroad Bridge Park

Today, I had my mom come with me at dusk to Railroad Bridge Park on the Dungeness River.

I wanted to take some long exposure shots. After taking a few, I explained to mom how it works, and told her I wanted her to try. I had her frame the image, and showed her the controls for shutter speed and aperture, but she wound up hitting the shutter on the settings the camera was already on. 

(I believe this was 8", f 4.5)  

Here's how it turned out!

It's amazing what you can create when given the proper knowledge and tools.

Here are my images. They are available for sale (watermark free) on society 6. I hope you'll check it out!
Please let me know if you like them!

My Corgi Is Stinkin Awesome.

And my husband's pretty great, too.

Dear Santa,

I've been working my butt off this year!!

Where's the love?!

Love, Stacy

Heartbreak

Recently I have gone through some terrible struggles with my friendships. My heart is broken, and at any given moment I am liable to burst into tears. That is probably one of the most cliche things I have ever said on this blog, but it is fact. I feel completely broken. The only thing holding me together right now is my husband.

In my car, there is a bag full of gifts for the holidays. I haven't wrapped them yet. There are also a couple stashed around my house. Some of these gifts are to be given to the people who used to be the very best of my friends... including children.

I downloaded all my instagram pictures today and deleted my instagram account because of the change in their policy that is going to allow them to sell users' images... and the photos brought me to tears. What we had was something I thought would withstand everything.

Everything.

And now it is all gone.

People keep saying "don't worry, things will work out," but they don't know what is going on. They don't know the problem... because I respect these people, even though I am a wreck and I don't owe them any favors... I still love them. There is a reason it hurts so badly... my love is not something that is temporary. My love can't be stopped because of the actions of a third party. The feeling I have can't be removed... it can only be changed... moved... or maybe reorganized.

I can't change what happened. I can't change how much pain I feel. I don't know how to move on or where to put these emotions. I'm assuming this is part of growing up, and that these friends likely feel the same way. I'm understanding that they are likely hurting every bit as bad as I am and haven't much of an outlet for these feelings either. But maybe they aren't... I am not in their hearts or minds.

When we grow, when our minds grow, it's like we look back and shake our heads. "How could i have not seen that before?"

The only way I can comfort myself is knowing that I did not know what I do now. I didn't feel these feelings then. If I ever did they were never this strong because circumstances were never exactly the way they are right now.

When our minds grow... we lose things and realize maybe we never really had them. We gain things and realize maybe we had them all along.

We realize that just because a person can change doesn't mean they will. Just because a person promises something doesn't make it the truth. Just because a person wants something doesn't mean they'll even try to achieve it.

I am shaking my head as my tears get caught up in my lashes and reach my cheeks cold.

I want to write about so many different things right now but that will disrespect these people who I think still love me but our love is now forbidden... so I am going to end this blog with this:

Better Than Sex Cookies

So, this year for xmas, I'm giving out some cookies.

Not just ANY cookies. Cookies I made!! :)

Today I am going to share a recipe with you. The recipe is for "BTS Cookies," (which stands for better than SHOES obviously... ok maybe S is for something else.)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Let's do this cookie thing.

For this recipe, you will need:

1 Cup Butter, softened
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Packed Light Brown Sugar

2 Eggs
2 Tsp. Vanilla

2½ Cups of Flour
1tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Baking Powder
Pinch of Salt

2⅔ Cups Coconut Flakes
1½ Cups Assorted Chips   (milk chocolate, butterscotch, white chocolate, peanut butter... you choose)

Not Pictured: Eggs, Vanilla, Salt.

Did I mention these are like the sugariest mother effing cookies you will ever eat? :)

I am not personally partial to any brands. I buy whatever is the best deal at the store I'm shopping at.


Moving on. First step:  Cream butter & sugars together in a large bowl. (You want one larger than mine.. I had a hard time at the end of the mixing.)

Then, add your eggs and vanilla.

It should start to look kind of like cookie dough.


At this point, you may need to shoo your dog out of the kitchen...  He shouldn't be begging like that!

Next Step: Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder, & salt in another bowl.

Be careful pouring the flour... it can create a disaster.

Slowly add this mixture to your cookie dough.

Step 3:
Add your coconut and your chips!

Wow. Awesome cookie dough in 3 steps!!! Eat some!!

OK now the cooking part.

You're just gonna want to make little balls and put them on a cookie sheet. For BEST results, put parchment paper between your dough and your cookie sheet. SO much easier, trust me.

If your a perfectionist, don't put them as close together as I did. I don't mind if they stick together a little. They come apart easy when they are cooled off. (Lift hot cookies on parchment paper onto wire cooling racks. Separate when cool.)

Bake your cookies at 350 for about 13 minutes. (Anywhere from 12-15). If your oven runs hot, check at 11 minutes. 

That is what almost done looks like. I left them in for literally one more minute, then pulled them out. 

PERFECTION.

I hope you enjoy!! <3 <3 <3

You might just be getting some for xmas, if you know me!!!

Social Media Is A Game.

Social media is a game.

It is definitely a new(er) type of game. It hasn’t been around that long. Let me explain the rules & gameplay.


Gameplay:
First, you sign up for an account... usually reluctantly. Your thoughts are something like “oh I won’t like this as much as everyone else seems to, but they all want me to do it... and if I don’t I won’t be up-to-date on what’s going on with everybody.”
Next, you upload a profile photo. You pick one that makes you look your very best, because it is going to be seen by everyone. Everyone, ever.
After that, you edit your profile. You write your about me section, trying to be clever and sum yourself up in a few sentences. You tell the media site where you live, what you like, decide if you want to share your birthday... yada yada.
Then, you post something, just to see how it feels. Something like this: “Hey, trying out this website. Everyone seems to use it, gonna see what all the fuss is about. Add me if you want.”
Search for friends
Add friends, friends add you, friends suggest friends... it’s not long before you’re networked.
Read their posts.
Look at their photos.
At some point, maybe later that day or maybe the next day, you get the idea about the kinds of things that are posted, and you think of something clever to say: “Made pizza eggs today! Got the idea from the show Weeds.” People “like” your post, a few people comment it. You get excited. Write back to them. It’s like... you have an audience.
Read their posts. Now, this is where gameplay gets tricky. Everyone is posting either the best things about their lives, or the worst. The people who say things like, “Just got off the plane! I am in PARIS, baby!!” start to get to you.
You feel... insignificant. Lame.
You feel like maybe your pizza eggs aren’t very interesting... seeing how this person who is in Paris has 23 likes and 67 comments.
You post, “Feeling like I haven’t accomplished shit today. So lazy,” and you get six or seven likes... a couple of replies, “omg me too! so lazy!” -friend who is always online, “Get up & get busy, kid!” -relative who is always online, “Man, I accomplished so much today! I’m exhausted,” -random person you don’t know very well.

The cycle goes on. You try to share cool stuff that your friends will praise you for. You comment your friends stuff. You show people, “omg look on (ex)’s page.. she is totally (conceited comment).”  You get in arguments with people who say things you don’t like.
Sometimes you get wrapped up in the drama.
Sometimes you sit back and laugh at the drama.

Rules:
1. Always make the last comment
2. If you can’t, or don’t want to, at least “like” what the person said.
3. Only update your pic when you get another really good one so you look your best.
4. Feel jealous at least once a week reading posts.
5. When losing an argument, either step off, or start correcting the other person’s grammar.
6. Share relatable images.
7. Be choosy about what you click “like” on, because even if you “like” it in real life, your (professional connection) might not care to know that. Or, you might not want your (family member) to see it.

8. “Quit” the site at least once per year. Everyone knows you’ll be back, but it is really good for your health.

Optional:
a. Capitalize Each Letter In Your Sentence Because (wait... why do people do that?)
b. spel bad so if nuthin ells people will coment to tell u that u rite bad.
c. Comment with words that may provoke anger, for example, you're my bitch and you have no life because you read my blog. This is called trolling and will definitely start or add to the flame war.
d. Try your hardest to make others jealous by posting about EVERYTHING amazing and never posting anything bad.
e. Edit pictures with canned effects with apps on your phone.
f. Update people 7+ times per day about stupid stuff. When they comment, don't reply. Because by the time they comment you don't even care about what you posted about anymore.
g. Spend too long on the site when you should be doing other things.

Have fun & play fair!

Holiday Tree

This is in response to a forward that goes around this season, here is one version of it:

Apparently the White House referred to Christmas Trees as “Holiday Trees” for the first time thisyear which prompted CBS presenter, Ben Stein, to present this piece which I would like to share with you. I think it applies just as much to many countries as it does to America . . .The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by h

im on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, “Merry Christmas” to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crib, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her: “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said: “I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

First of all: not all of this is actually Ben Stein.

-----------------

My Reply:

Holiday Tree:
I don't think calling it a "Holiday" tree makes our country sound Atheist. (Although... what is wrong with being Atheist?) I think it makes our country sound diverse. However, personally I also think it should be called whatever the family who lives in the white house calls it. Then there is freedom for each future president to call it whatever it is that they celebrate.

Christmahaunakwanzika? Winter solstice? New years? Whatever!

Because our country is building itself on freedom and democracy. We should be able to vote even an Atheist president in without batting an eye. We aren't a Christian country. We are a free country, with separation of church and state.

Bible in Schools:
We don't teach the bible in our schools because of this separation, because the citizens of our country have the freedom to choose their religion. Children are still their own people. They are impressionable. What they learn about religion should be brought to them by their families, not our schools. After all, would you want to send your child to a public school who taught a religion different than your own? A Wicca school maybe? Or a Buddhist one? (Assuming, wrongfully, that you are neither of these... haha). Children who come from those homes should not be sent to a school that teaches Christianity, either.

Your children can learn about their religion at home and at church.

What do parents teach their kids anymore, anyway? How to be a pansy?

This of course, in response to "we reap what we sow."

Yes, we do reap what we sow.  But I don't think it has to do with not teaching the bible, specifically.

The bible does help. Its stories are violent, harsh, and scary. Its laws, punishments, and lessons are powerful, though often extreme and outdated.

Violent Kids:
Kids aren't not learning right from wrong because of worshiping celebrities, calling their tree a "holiday tree," or not being taught religion. It's not because no one spanks their kids anymore.

Kids aren't blowing each other up or growing up sadistic because of those things. Children NEED to be taught the consequences of violence. No I am not saying they need to be BEAT, necessarily. But have you really looked at kids stories these days? Have you parents watched the kids shows and movies lately?

Many moms have decided to pre-watch things and pre-read things for their kids... they are watching out for violence.

DEAR JESUS don't you dare let them watch Spider Man or Power Rangers or God forbid Ninja Turtles!

Do you remember the shit we watched as kids?

The good guys always kicked the ass of the bad guys. There were bad people who literally were just plain bad. Sure it isn't a complex dichotomy... but jeeze...

Do they even MAKE bad guys anymore????


The bible has stories where whole populations are burned to death as punishment.
Tom and Jerry used to obliterate each other.

Simba's father DIES because Scar kills him.

Ursula steals peoples souls and keeps them in a cove.

Car Face tries to kill Charlie.

Shredder is always doing terrible things.

The "bad" guy on despicable me... the one the whole movie is about... he tries to steal the moon. Really? AND on top of that we are on his side.

There is no bad on Regular Show except maybe Authority because they don't adhere to any rules...

The "bad" lady on Madagascar... that was a little gruesome, but she was portrayed as bad for wanting to kill wild animals running about.

Two things can come of this generation we are sowing:

1. Adults who do not know the consequences of violence and thus do not fear it.
2. Adults who do not know the consequences of violence and thus fear it tenfold.

Neither option would know how to react in case of violence. FREAK OUT or allow it.

That's just my opinion.

Celebrities:
Oh, and no one who is anyone gives a shit about celebrities. If they do, just be glad they are worrying about that and not in charge of anything super important.



Conclusion:
So though this fwd tried to send some sort of message about Christmas and stuff... I interpret it differently. I don't disagree  but I see so much more.

Words

I love words.

I don't think you understand completely. Love, the word, is thrown about haphazardly. But I love words. I appreciate words. I adore words. I cherish words. I delight in words. I am enchanted by words. I am passionate bout words.

My knees go weak when I read a thesaurus.

It's not a guilty passion, because words, though they are abundant with life and possibilities are, in fact, inanimate and, therefore, they do not have an intimate significance. I cannot exactly go to bed with words, sleep with them, etc. My husband cannot be cheated by words. I cannot be charged or condemned for my utter pleasure I endure when utilizing language.  

So why don't I play with them more often?

Let me re-phrase, because I love to do so:

For what reason do I refrain from employing my joyous habit commonly referred to as "writing?"

I am releasing this question into my blog with no answer because I plainly do not have one.


What do I have? An over-extensive vocabulary, and commodious space for that vocabulary to proliferate.

And, of course, I have dictionary.com, and thesaurus.com, and webster.com, and wordthink.com.... and so many other wonderful sites to use on a dreary, unproductive, habitual day.

I was having a parturient  (see definition 3) moment earlier. I was thinking of how to best decorate my room in our new house - the room Les calls my "bitch cave," I believe.

Then it occurred to me. I need words. I need words on my walls in my writing room.

I designed posters for my room. I used words. I used more words. I read definitions. 

I love words. I love them. I need them. 

Words will cover my walls and my decorating dilemma. 

{Zeugma}.

Words will be on my wall, they will be my escape, they will be defined, they will be undefined, they will be framed, they will be the coolest decorations ever.

{Uber Zeugma}.

=c)

Yes, I am aware of my nerdiness. I am proud of it. 

Caramel Apple-Cran-Orange-Cherry Pie!

My mom says I need sponsors, and I should blog more. So she is baking a pie RIGHT NOW that takes LOTS of preparation, and I am going to blog about it!

I haven't really done a "recipe" style blog before, so I'm going to give it a shot! You know, the kind everyone always repins on pinterest. Where the blogger shares tidbits about his/her life between photos and instructions.

The pie is called Caramel Apple-Cherry Pie.  Prep time is 2 hrs. Bake time is 1 hr. 15 mins. Chill time is 40 mins. She found the pie in Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

Of course, the recipe tells you how to make the pie crust, but my mom isn't all about making pie crust. She's all about unrolling pie crust from Pillsbury!

It does the trick. In fact, I didn't even know she didn't make it until I was a teenager, and I wanted to know how to make pie.

So there's your recipe for pie crust from me: go buy one! Until I learn how to make one, if even then, that's how I make mine. :)

To prepare the crust for the filling, you have to bake it at 375 for 20 minutes. With no filling... so weigh it down with beans. You are right, that sounds silly. First you have prick the bottom and sides of it with a fork, refrigerate it for 20 minutes, then line it with parchment. THEN you can fill the parchment with dried beans or pie weights and put it in the oven.

So it's called "Caramel Apple-Cherry Pie," but the "Cherry" portion is actually "Cran-Orange-Cherry." Actually, they call that part of the recipe the "Cranberry Compote:"

1 12 oz bag fresh cranberries
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup orange juice (Mom squeezed fresh mandarin oranges!)
2 tsp. finely shredded orange peel
20 fresh sweet cherries, pitted, or 1 cup frozen unsweetened pitted dark sweet cherries. (We used canned ones, juice drained). 

Basically, you put the cranberries, sugar, juice, and peel and a little salt into a pot. Cook it over medium heat until the cranberries pop, stirring occasionally. Then, gently stir in the cherries when it begins to thicken. Then you need to remove it from heat so it can cool.


The Caramel Apple Filling, which by the way is DELICIOUS just by itself, has the following ingredients.

8 tart baking apples such as Granny Smith, peeled, cored, and sliced 1/4" thick. (2 pounds or so)
2 Tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp. finely shredded lemon peel
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flower
1tsp ground cinnamon
2 tbsp unsalted butter
1/4 cup whipping cream (Mom didn't have whipping cream, so she used 1/4 cup evaporated milk.)
1 tsp vanilla bean paste or pure vanilla extract
1 egg
and 2 to 3 tbsp coarse sugar.

For the apple part, toss together apples, lemon juice, and lemon peel in a large bowl. Then in a little bowl put brown sugar, flour, cinnamon, and 1/2 tsp salt. Mix that together and then sprinkle it over the apples, stirring gently to coat them.
Melt some butter in a large pot (to fit your apples) over medium heat. Add your apple mixture and cook for around 5 minutes, stirring it frequently. Add whipping cream (evaporated milk) and vanilla. Continue cooking, & stirring until the juices thicken and the apples are tender- about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and cool completely.
Then take a freaking bite cuz it's delicious.

So you should also cut your top pie crust into cute little shapes. BH&G used leaves, but we used trees and moons.

Then you are ready to fill up your pie!!

So after you made the crust golden brown and you got your fillings cool, you layer them inside like lasagna. 1/3 of your cherries, half your apples, 1/3 of your cherries, half your apples, then dollop the rest of the cherries on.

Then put brush the crust edge with egg wash, and put your shapes on there (connect the edge ones to the edge), and brush those, too.

When that's done, you are supposed to sprinkle the pie with coarse sugar. Well we didn't have any, so Mom decided on pink sprinkles! :)

 

That's it! Stick it in the oven and bake it for 40 minutes. Cover edges with foil and bake 10-15 minutes more.  You may want to put a pan below the pie to catch the drippings. Mom put a piece of parchment paper on the pan.