Did you know...

I moved?
Digitally, not physically. I am over at stacygraves.com now.

Anyways that's not what I am here to talk about. In fact, I am here to blog. I am not sure who will see this post and that's kind of comforting for me.

I feel like shit.

No. I am not sick. I just feel that way. I am sick of myself. I am sick of never doing my best for any length of time. I try to accomplish something, and I end up laughing at myself. I am not sure why this happens... but it so does. I gave myself one real task over my weekend. I was going to so my laundry.  Not even every last spec of it... just enough to get me thru the week.

I didn't do it.

I did a little work for 41. I showed up to work (accidentally) on my day off. I cried most of the day Tuesday. I'm pathetic. I feel worthless. Like I am just hanging around for no particular reason. What's worse is I have this total inability to explain to my husband how I feel. He just gives me advice then shrugs me off. He can't deal with my overemotional self.

Honestly I get it... but it makes me feel worse.

And my boss in accounting doesn't want me anymore. I'm only wanted in the deli where nobody wants to be.

That's not all but I gotta go.

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OK, I am back for a bit. That was this a.m. at like 4:45...  It's now about my bedtime. It's hard to talk about how much shit I feel like. I go back and forth on being able to ignore it completely, and actually enjoy myself briefly, but someone always says something that throws me into a whirlwind.

For example, "Are you still taking pictures?" asks the person I haven't talked to in a while...
Stab.
Stabby stab stab right in the chest. My heart sinks, my face either sticks to a stunned smile or goes a bit solemn.
Yes. Just say yes.  "Well, yeah, I mean, sort of. When I have time. When people hire me, I mean. I mean I will take pictures. Do you need pictures?"
Facepalm. You idiot. You sound like a blubbering idiot. Of course you still take pictures. Just because you are insecure about it doesn't mean you don't do it. Just because you are terrified to even snap a photo since you've received so much grief lately from clients doesn't mean you aren't doing it anymore... does it? Do you still like taking pictures? It's too stressful and you suck at it, right? Maybe you should have said no. No, you like to take pictures don't let people get to you... even though there are so many people. Even though you try so hard but seem to be on a photography hamster wheel...

At this point, I'm having some sort of internal argument, have no idea what my face or posture is doing, could be drooling for all I know, and the person who asked the question is at best mildly uncomfortable, but likely trying to get away from me, now.

By the time I've snapped back to reality, they are telling me some story about all the stuff  they have to do today, maybe, or was it tomorrow, or was it stuff they already did? Look at them. Say something. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Good. Well-rounded response. Couldn't have said it better if you were paying attention. Read their face, good they bought it,

"So, yeah, see you then?"

Uhoh, "When?"

"SATURDAY. Are you in there?"

I don't know.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Or something like...

"You're still working at walmart, right?" (uplifting tone)

My head races. Yes I am still working at fucking walmart. No I don't want to be there. Yes I am in the accounting office, but did you hear they are kicking me out because I am not good enough? Just like everything else in life I am not good enough at... and oh shit I need to answer them, "Yep."

"OH good! At least you are employed!!! You're in accounting right? Must be nice to have an office job. You get to sit at a desk right?"

Here we go. "Well not really, I mean, part of the day. Yeah. But mostly I am standing because I'm counting money from all the registers and stuff..." Remember, don't get too specific. You are under confidentiality contract.

"Just counting, though, and putting it in the computer? Must be nice."

Stop belittiling my job, "Nonono. I also need to count coupons and check exp dates and count all the coins and all this, and we gotta get it all done by a certain time," which you kept failing at which is why they are kicking you out because you are not good enough for the office. You are not fast enough for the accounting office at walmart. 

"Doesn't sound too bad. Man I deal with so many shitty customers..." I miss customers. I miss customers... even the shitty ones because it makes my day when I can turn their day around... but I'll get to work with them again soon because they want me to go back to the deli. Oh the deli, where I wear a hair net and deep fry chicken. Where I slice meat and make sandwiches. Yes, somehow that sounds better than the cash office. Wow I am such a loser. 

Oh. This silence thing is getting awkward. "Yeah. Shopping can be frustrating."

...

Or like I said, about the laundry.

Sometimes, especially if someone catches me in a down mood, I go off with the thoughts in my head. Even if I don't know the person well, or if they were hoping for normal, casual conversation.

Well they aren't gonna get it. I'm just going to have a psycho break-down all over them.

In fact, I did that to a coworker just the other day. Then I had a panic attack. The works. My eyes welled up, my body started shaking and twitching, my fingers turned blue, my lips quivered and went numb. I was freezing.. like... to the bone, and dizzy from the middle of my head to the pit of my stomach.

It was awful.

And it was all because my boss came in and mentioned having to go back to the deli. Which I have since accepted sort of but I am not happy about it.

Am I? I can't tell.

And I am so tired all the time but even though I am out of bed BY 3:30 EVERY MORNING and often 3:00am, I am not convincing myself to go to sleep until like 9pm, and my "naps" aren't working anymore with all the anxiety I've been having.

I eat instead.

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Why am I spilling all my secrets on a blog nobody reads anymore?

Because I am scared. I need help. The asthma, the panic, the weight gain, the tears... I SERIOUSLY spent most of tuesday crying. About 99 different things. I got home from work today and still didn't do my laundry.

You know what I did do? Nothing. I didn't do shit today. I didn't even go water mom's plants like I was supposed to. But I did eat some beefaroni. I had a coke. I had a muffin. I had a frozen borrito. I had an uncrustable...

I cried a little.

And I wrote this blog.

So what the fuck do I do? How do I feel better?

HOW do I GET BETTER at life so I stop feeling like I SUCK SO MUCH?

Hate and Misunderstanding

Somewhere along the lines... I forgot these two things were different.

Me, one year ago.

I think it was sometime between the day this picture was taken, and the day this one was taken:

...which puts it in about a 6 month time-span.

Look, I'm not here to tell you "OH! I like this particular thing now because I realize I just never understood it." BECAUSE I DON'T. In fact, I am still filled up with so much hate, that the idea of coming within 10 feet of this (whatever it is) makes me want to throw up. 

Seriously.

But I guess what I will say, is that when this picture was taken, I had no idea that I was feeling these awful feelings because I simply didn't understand.

Misunderstandings fuel hate in everyone. Honest. I think people forget that. Look at racism. Look at people who hate gays. Look at any prejudice... ever. Now think about what you hate. Can you honestly say you understand it? Can you look me in the eye and tell me you understand exactly why that thing is the way it is? Scientifically, spiritually, physically, mentally... whatever? 

Whatever???

I can't. There are only a few things (and when I say "things" I mean anything from a person to a food) in this world that I hate... and I really can't explain these things. I can't explain why they exist. I can't explain why they are the way they are. I can't explain how they got this way. I can't describe why exactly this thing bothers me so much... actually all I know is how it affects me... and it's that awful hate feeling.

That awful hate feeling. I HATE THAT, TOO!

So answer me this: If you hate a food, for example, could you bring yourself to find out why that is?

Could you read the ingredients on that food and then taste each one till you find exactly what you hate about it? Then maybe try to figure out why you hate that ingredient? Is it a texture problem? Are you allergic? Did your mother use to put it in your pasta so you'd eat it??

OR better yet... if you hate a PERSON...

Could you strike up a conversation with that person and say, "hey, I want to give yourself a chance to redeem things with me, here, cuz quite honestly I am as confused as it gets about the whole thing. Would you tell me why exactly X happens? Because I JUST DON'T GET IT.... aaaaand consequently it is why I despise you so much."

Well? Could you? Comment below. (You probably already have a google account, so no excuses.)

Some Kinds Of Lies

Do you ever realize something about yourself?

Sometimes it is a good thing... but what if it is bad?

I had a manager tell me, "never miss an opportunity to make yourself a better person," and I really have taken it to heart.

I am listening to people a lot more than I used to, and in a different way.

But, until recently... I don't know if I have heard people.

Les told me that I need to be more careful how I reply to people, because they may say one thing, but be thinking something else, and feeling something different.

Now, it's not that I have never thought or heard of telling lies... or putting on a face... or whatever. I just never really noticed that everyone does it... and could be doing it at any time. The thought never really crossed my mind that when someone said that they were happy for me, they might be thinking that they are jealous of me, and feeling insecure and/or sub par.

So now when you talk, I am going to hear what you are saying, and try to hear how you're thinking, and be a little more considerate of what you're feeling when I reply.

But it goes beyond that.

I have spent so much of my life stressed because of the people around me making decisions that I don't agree with. I have spent so much of my life consulting other people for their opinions on my decision, taking everyone's advice into consideration, worrying about who will think what when I do something... weighing pros and cons of everything... that when someone else makes their decisions by the seat of their pants I get heated.

Maybe even jealous.

It's not that I care what others think, exactly. It's that I know that others have been through experiences in life that I haven't, and so they would approach my problem from a new and different angle. And when you look at things from all sides, obviously you get a better picture... right?

But I really should respect that some people aren't interested in seeing that third dimension. Some people want to see how their view plays out. They want to make mistakes so they will try things differently next time.

And what I really should respect is that there are some people that I just will never understand.

There will be times when people lie to me and I will never even know it. I shudder at the thought... but it is true. People will say they are fine and they are not fine... they just don't want my help and telling me that would be mean. People will stick up for their boyfriend even though inside they're completely hurt.... but they want me to respect their relationship, and their choices.

They want me to shut up and butt out!! That needs to not hurt my feelings!!

Some kinds of lies are OK.

Tales From The Deli

I currently work in a deli. It pays (most of) my bills. And though some days it drives me crazy, I am learning tons about work-life, retailing, business, and more. 

But enough of the boring stuff. Let me tell you a story. Disclaimer- I am not making fun of customers! I am simply retelling a tale. If you find it hilarious, so be it! 

At times, customers can be frustrating. I understand, though. Anyone walking around a large department store for more than 5 minutes can turn into a little bit of a zombie. I dread shopping at times. Well, "needs" shopping. I love to "want" shop. But that's a whole different blog post.

So anyway, a typical scenario at the deli counter is like this:

Worker (W): Hi! How are you today?
Customer (C): Fine, thanks. I am looking for some turkey.
W: Oven roasted?
C: Yes.
W: Which brand? I have X, Y, and Z.
C: Oh! Um, I'll try X.
W: Alright (gets out X), how much would you like? (unwraps X)
C: Oh, about a pound. Give or take.
W: OK! (puts meat chub on slicer, sets a common thickness, shows slice to customer) How does this slice look, do you need it thinner or thicker than that at all?
C: That looks perfect, thanks.
W: Great! Would you like a sample? (holds slice out) (customer shakes head) Ok! (slices up a pound, puts it on scale. Scale reads 1.0543lbs)

C: Close enough!
W: I hope so! (smiles) Anything else today?
C: Nope this will do it!
W: Okay! Have a great day!!

Now, there are many variations of this scenario. The customer could have not been sure which brand they wanted, and requests to taste a few... customer may change their mind and ask for a just a half pound of turkey and a half pound of ham... customer may have wanted me to explain the specials... etc.

But occasionally in Sequim, things get a little bit different. Many of my customers are elderly. This is just a fact. Sequim is a retirement city. So occasionally, I will get a customer who is hard of hearing.

Now, when I told my dad this story, he interrupted me. He said, "You have to understand, those who have a hard time hearing are just as frustrated as you are!! They may even be more frustrated."

To which I replied, "But no, no. You don't understand. I play it off well. Usually, they think they just had a perfect interaction, even if the conversation made no sense."

And so the tale begins:

W: Hi! How are you doing today?
C: I'll have three quarter pound of the ham.
W: Which ham?
C: Yes. Thank you.
W: .... (picks out a cheap ham and holds it up)
C: ... (nods, smiling)
W: OK and how thick do you like your slices?
C: three quarter pound. A little over is OK.
W: ...(puts chub on slicer, cuts common thickness) Does this thickness look OK?
C: (Reaches out as if to feel how thick slice is) THANKS!!! (snatches it, and eats it)
W: ....(slices 3/4lb and weighs it)
C: Perfect!
W:  Do you need anything else today?
C: Yes. Thank you. (Walks away).

Now, my dad happened to find this absolutely hilarious. I at the time found it frustrating, but after looking at it from the side, it is pretty funny! After all, the customer got what he/she wanted, and as far as they know I had no problems giving it to them. But it takes a lot of patience and guesswork in the moment! 

Anyway, Dad told me this would be a great skit. I told him I'd write it down. Where else?? Of course I'll share it with my blog readers! 

Hope everyone is well. <3

Sticktoitiveness

I have been meaning to write a blog for a few days. I've decided to go to bed early, take the laptop with me, and just write.

I've had a lot going on lately, in more ways than one. Emotionally, I have been all over the map.

No seriously, if you take a map of the world, and turn every country into an emotion, I've been traveling so much that homeland security stops me every time I flash my passport.

But really, I haven't left the peninsula.

On Tuesday I went to Port Williams beach. I was trying to feel better (re, previous blog). Over a week had gone by since this big black cloud found its way above my head, and I was looking for anything to make me feel better.
At the beach, I sat alone. I pressed my back against a big rock, and rested my feet on a smaller rock. My head started to spin. It was too calm at the beach. There was no one there, really. It was overcast and not that warm out. I couldn't even focus on relaxing, if that makes sense.

I started to play with my phone. I missed instagram, so I re-installed it.

I had been meaning to join twitter, so I did. 

Nothing was working.

So I went to mom's. We were supposed to meet up and work out, and I did, even though getting run-over by an 18 wheeler sounded like more fun.

I wish I could tell you I enjoyed myself, and it made me feel so much better... but it would be a lie. I grudged through that entire thing... and could not get my mind off all the noise.

The noise. That's what it was. It was clatter. Things bouncing around in my head.... falling off shelves, doors slamming... like someone tearing through a kitchen, all pissed off.

And we all know there's all this great food in the kitchen but none of it is what this anger is looking for.

Anyway... metaphors... am I losing you?

The point is, I can't put an exact date and time stamp on when the smiles became fake. It was like slowly they went from real and true to forced and fanciful. I don't know why.

But the other day, I was lost in my thoughts, and I had a glimmer of hope.

The thought I had was this:
I can do this. I just need a plan.

Granted, it is much more complex, because the "this" is so many things... but look at me.
Just look.

That day, mom and I ran intervals. And I told her, passionately, about some of the thoughts I had. I was almost crying because I was so happy. It was like all of a sudden there was some light.
It was like the angry in the kitchen found some chamomile tea and turned into hopeful as it grabbed the honey.

And since then, touch and go, I have felt a bit better. Like this huge knot of crazy can be rolled into a ball.

I don't feel like I'm never going to get there. I just feel like it's going to be a little while. And that I can deal with. That I can handle.
And the vitamin D that nature has provided the past few days has definitely helped a bit. :)

Stick to it.

Stick to it and things will work out.

I gotta have sticktoitiveness.

What will?

That button. The create new blog post button... it is so daunting sometimes.

I am in an odd spot in life -- caught somewhere between knowing what I want and reaching for it.

My mom says to keep honing my talents, and it will all work out.

It will all work out.

It will all work.

It will.

It.



What will work out? 

I know I shouldn't dwell on the future. But dwelling on the present is doing no good, dwelling on the past moves me backwards, and never dwelling on a thing seems to keep me going in the same old circles.

________________________________________

Speaking of the same old circles... I have run into a problem. It's kind of a big one, and I don't know when, or how I will fix it.

Do you remember that post I made before about thriving? It had so much energy. I had so much strength and will power. Lately it has been gone. Where? I'm not sure. There isn't a "will return at" sign... the lights are just off.

I have taken on this new project. I am shooting pictures for Junior Prom. And although I am incredibly excited, it seems as though that's the only thing I'm excited about. I am also nervous... but I know it will work out.

I'm also having spring mini sessions. I am a bit excited about that... but also a bit stressed... for a few reasons.

I got a bonus... woo. It's gone. And all the bills still aren't paid.

What is my problem? Let me tell you... I am sluggish. I put on a happy face but I feel like crap. I make myself promises, then give myself the finger. I tell people I'm going to do something (something specific, for myself), then spend the afternoon on the couch.

I tell myself I care about what I'm eating, then I eat crap food and tell myself to love and accept my body.

I tell myself I care about my fitness goals... then I spend hours watching Dr. Who.

I make myself an amazing schedule and I don't follow it one bit. My laundry's backed up. Dishes are backed up. Bills are backed up.

It's like the more promises I make myself, the more I lie to myself. The more I rebel and say to myself, "hey you, fuck off!"

Which is so not attractive.. so not happy... so annoying.

I can't find that energy... the one that I need in order to thrive, and I am not sure why or where it is hiding... and I am not sure how I'll ever find it the way life is now.

_______________________

Do you ever reach a point in life where it all seems dark and gloomy? Does it ever seem like no matter how hard and fast you run, you can't get off the treadmill? And even though once in a while you can still enjoy yourself, in the back of your mind you still feel like you've failed and this is as happy as you might ever be... and this is as far as you might ever go... and this is as clean as your house will ever be... and you are as thin as you'll ever be... and you just are sick. You are mentally sick.

And it makes your stomach physically sick to think about it.

Do you ever feel this way?

I feel this way. And I feel like I tell people this is how I feel and they just say, "don't worry about it," and they say, "it will get better."

And to them I say.... What will?

Are You Gonna Blog About That?

Well, a lot has been going on for me! How about you?

My hubby got a new car. He traded his truck for it! So far it has been a wonderful trade, saving us loads on gas!

So if you see this neon green baby out and about, it's probably my husband! If it isn't, his car was stolen!! LOL!

So of course for his birthday we went on a drive with Les, myself, and Ryan in his new baby. We went to see Snoqualmie Falls, among several other places that direction :).

Apparently we just missed seeing Johnny Depp in Carnation! Woops! Also, a van was impailed by a tree in Duvall that day... could have easily been us. The woman survived! It was her seat belt that almost killed her, but someone stopped and cut her seat belt with their pocket knife.

Anyway, before we got out to the falls, I was starting to feel faint... pretty ill actually.. so Les decided I probably needed to eat. We went to this cute restaurant called The Raging River Cafe in Fall City. The food was great, the service was awesome and homey! There was a loud bar ("club") on the opposite side, and as many of the locals came in, the server greeted them by name. Very cool. Felt like the way Sequim used to feel, when I was little.

It made me feel much better!

The falls were our last stop, so we drove home.

Yesterday, we took another trip, to Cabelas! On our way there we stopped at a mall and got Les and Ryan their vests for Chase and Dana's wedding.

It was a pretty fun day. We had some deep conversations in the car, and times where we blasted tunes and I rapped at the top of my lungs.

And if that mocking bird don't sing and that ring don't shine I'm'a break that birdie's neck. I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to ya and make him eat every carat. Don't fuck with Dad.

Good times!!


In other news, I (Rare Reflections Photography) have been hired as the photographer for Junior Prom at Sequim High School!

I am BEYOND excited!! I know this is going to be spectacular!! =D


Their theme is "Fly Me To The Moon," a galaxy-based romantic atmosphere. I am going to set up a photo booth for them, and also be taking formals. It will be so great!! I am excited!

Also, for my photography, I am doing spring mini sessions! :) I am going to have a bunny!! Just gotta get in contact with my friend's mom and borrow her bunny. :)

Ok I better get going... got lots to do!!

:)